Playing the Role of A Bad Guy

She have reached a point in life where she ended up doing something she hated. Something she told others and herself that she would never do; something she looked at negatively. She did things which hurt her in the past to an innocent, unknowing individual who probably just wanted to love and be loved.

It continued for months and, as time passed by, her heart felt heavy and guilt begun to gobble her up.

It all started with herself being bored with the usual stagnant days and unending loop of routines. In order to deal with her boredom, she decided to open her account in a forum based community and joined the monstrous lump of nonsense in it. She was posting random things and replied to topics just for heck of it.

In that pile of nonsense, she stumbled upon his. She won’t even remember how she ended up on his topic if it weren’t for him reminding her about it.

They talked. She spent most of her time exchanging messages despite how uninteresting his replies were. She managed to reply to things which didn’t make sense; most of them were impossible to reply to. She kept up with it mainly because she was bored.

He gave her attention everyday. He sent her messages first. And, if she didn’t reply, he’ll send her a follow up; usually a sad smiley, other times a question. He checks her posts.  He checks whether she’s online and looks for her when she’s not.

In all honesty, she found it creepy and somehow annoying but, as time passed by, she got used to it.

A few months more and they continued to talk. He sent her things online which he believed would make her happy. He gave her a lot of compliments and would find a way to entertain her when she’s bored.  He changed his work schedule to match with hers. He sacrificed his time to rest for her. He made time and made sure to talk to her whenever he could.

After all those, he told her that he likes her and, eventually, fell for her.

She didn’t take him seriously because, in her head, she thought that both of them had the same thing in mind — they’re both bored and wanted to get rid of it by playing around. However, with him, it was not the case.

She thought that it was stupid of her for agreeing to be in a long distance relationship with him despite knowing that she didn’t feel the same way. She knew that it was wrong. She knew she shouldn’t do it. She knew she’d end up hurting him. She knew exactly how he’d feel.

But, she went ahead with it.

Every single day filled her up with guilt and the thought of telling him the truth kept reoccurring to her. At that point, she didn’t want to hurt him. She needed those things to be stopped. They needed to stop. But, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She couldn’t say anything.

She remembered how she felt back when she experienced the same things. Flashbacks came to her and it made her hurt. It was horrible. How cruel was she to let this man experience the same things she did?

She started saying things which would make him turn away and leave. But, he never left. Instead, he told her that he accepts everything about her even though the fake “facts” she gave hurt him.

She couldn’t take it anymore. She felt so bad. And, in the end, she left without saying a word.

It has been 2 months now since she last talked to him. She refused to open the messages that he sent her. She left the applications and accounts they used untouched. She made it look as if she vanished from the face of the earth; as if she didn’t exist. Every notification she received and all the message previews that she read broke her heart. He was looking for her. He was sad. She made his world revolve around her and she just left without a warning.

This is the result of her stupidity and she can’t say sorry enough to make up for it.

All she can do now is to check up on him in the forums from time to time using a different account and she’ll continue doing so until she sees him doing better just like how he was before the time they met.

The damage has been done and she can’t shake the guilt off of her.

She wondered: Is this how the people who’ve hurt her previously felt? Was it hard for them to say what they wanted to say, kept the relationship going, and made her find everything out in order to have a chance to leave?

She doesn’t know. And, with this, she feels like she have seen the other side of the coin. She experienced both being a player and a victim. She won’t be looking at this situation the same way she did ever again.

All these happened because of boredom and  all she knew is that it left a bad taste in her mouth and most probably his too. She then told herself that it is better to live her life with her boring, stagnant days than hurting someone else just to get rid of it.


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