He asked me if I miss having a partner. She asked me if I’m lonely. He told me not to be bitter. She told me I need love.
I heard these things from two people who are older than me by years. People who had more experience. People who I barely shared my story with. People who don’t really know me well. And yet, they told me things I want to hear. They made me think of thoughts I’ve been trying to push away. And, they made me realize what I needed to realize about myself.
Do I miss having a partner? Occasionally, yes. Yet, I am pushing the thought away. I’m scared of having the feeling of becoming too happy along with the fear of being left behind but I do miss having someone when I’m going out by myself. I miss the feeling of holding someone’s hand. The feeling of making fun of someone so dear. The feeling of laughing with someone special. The feeling of being calm and content in each other’s company. The feeling of finding comfort from your loved one’s voice. The feeling of admiring someone you love. I miss it. I miss it all.
Am I feeling lonely? From time to time, yes. I sometimes feel lonely when I’m surrounded by my friends. No, wait. Let me rephrase that. I sometimes feel lonely when I’m surrounded by my coupled friends. Like, guys, hello? I’m here. Don’t talk or do something I can’t relate to. It’s as if they automatically build a wall when we’re all together. Anyway, I do feel lonely at times when I’m walking around places, attempting to do something fun, by myself. I always have the thought, “This would be a lot of fun with someone…” and just continue along by myself. It’s not that bad. Other than that, I’m alright.
Am I bitter? No, I’m just being difficult to myself and I’m trying my best to convey to people that I actually am. It’s the only thing which stops me from loving too much and I want to control myself at least a little. It’s helping me push people away from matters I don’t want them to touch. I’m getting scared of falling in love. Maybe, I just want someone to tell me that it’s alright to fall. That it’s going to be worth it despite the risk of getting hurt. Maybe I want someone to prove something. I don’t really know. In all honesty, I think I’m starting to like this one guy and my world is slowly shaking up. It’s frightening.
Do I need love? I do. Of course, I do. Who doesn’t?
I mean, pizza is love, right? So, I definitely do! 😉