Seriously. I can’t find any good in separating. Except, maybe, when you hate the person or place and you’re thankful that staying with them is over.
Or, maybe, it’s the way how you guys parted. Like, everything was fine or happy or okay. I don’t really know.
Truth be told, I hate saying goodbye. Actually, no. What I hate is the feeling of being separated from someone or something I love or I’m attached to. I just can’t help but shed tears and feel that twinge of pain which tugged on my heart and that heavy lump on my throat.
Almost three weeks has passed since my grandmother rested in peace. I know that it’s not necessary for me to go back to the Philippines and that my mother alone can go, but I still decided to go back home to see her. When I heard the news, I felt nothing. I guess reality isn’t sinking in just like that time when I heard that my cousin passed away too. I was void of emotion not until I saw her lying in her coffin. I couldn’t hold it back. It was the first time in a long while that people — especially my family — saw me cry.
I looked at my grandmother and I tried remembering so many things about her. And, it broke my heart when I realized that two years has passed since I last went home and I wasn’t able to talk to her over the phone since then. I wasn’t even able to say that I love her. As I stood there in front of her, I repeated that phrase over and over again inside my head. But, I know that it’s too late for me to do that and I can’t do anything else but to imprint her image and memory inside my heart and mind.
She looked really beautiful.
I said my goodbye and it’s time to move on.
Finally, it was time to leave. I was hesitant. Staying in the Philippines, together with my loved ones and the amazing places I’ve been to, made me want to stay there for good. Back there, I felt alive. The boring days of repetitive routine didn’t exist. I can go out alone. I can go anywhere I want. Nature made me feel at ease. I fell in love with everything which I didn’t notice when I was younger.
I wasn’t bored in those two weeks.
When it came to the point when we’re heading to the airport, we had to say goodbye to my Aunt and Uncle, who accommodated us during our stay. I could see the sadness in their eyes and the mood was gloomy. I hated it. I didn’t want to see them like that and it made me feel heavier, more hesitant to leave. Her voice was shaking as she told me to take care. He couldn’t look at us when he was saying goodbye. It broke my heart and, again, I wasn’t able to do anything else but to crack a stupid joke, make funny faces, and reassure them that we’ll still go back and visit them.
They were worried that we wouldn’t visit and see them anymore. Why? It was because my grandmother isn’t there. They even said, “It’s sad. Our family won’t be seeing each other much anymore seeing that the main reason why you’re coming back is because of your grandmother.” It made me sad upon hearing them say it. But, as I am now older and since I’m now earning my own money, I told them not to worry about anything since I promised them that we’ll go see so many places together. I want to do it and I’m going to keep that promise.
On the way to the airport, it was time to say goodbye to my brother. Actually, he wanted to at least drop us until the airport. However, he wasn’t able to do so. He has to take an exam and had no choice but to drop us halfway. I was the only one who was able to give him a hug and have a proper goodbye.
It might sound like I’m too emotional and lame, but, I was seriously holding back the tears all the way from my Aunt’s, to dropping my brother, and until the time we reached the airport. I couldn’t handle it. It was too much. And, was I able to cry after all that?
Hmmm…that’s a secret.
All in all, these events reminded me of so many things. To always let my loved ones know that I love them. To always keep in touch. To always share the love. It reminded me not to take things for granted. Because, after all, nothing lasts forever and you won’t be able to run after it once it’s gone.
So, before I regret anything and before I start breaking my heart for the things I wasn’t able to do, I’ll start to make things happen and do my utmost best to keep in touch.