I suck at creating titles….seriously.
Good day! How are you, lovely reader? Uh.. Do I even have a reader? Hmmm…*sits at the corner and weeps*
Today, I would like to share with you some of my past and current experiences which made me realize that being lost and feeling worthless is just a matter of my own stupid thinking. That there are times, as I mentioned on my first post back in 2013, that I feel like I haven’t achieved anything despite being able to do lots of things. That I don’t know what I want and need to do. That I am envious of people who achieved, excelled, and accomplished more despite being younger than me. And so on. I thought it was unfair. I thought,
“Why is it that I can’t achieve anything even though I did my best? Why am I not enough? Why? Why? Why?“.
And, you know what? I’m blaming myself.
It’s not because I have little talent. It’s not because I’m not smart. It’s most definitely not because I wasn’t blessed like the others I envy. It was because I’ve been doing things halfheartedly.
Yes, halfheartedly. I realized I was just doing things to get it over with. I thought that things were too troublesome and that it was enough as long as I did it right. From those halfhearted things, I expected them to get noticed by people, acquire achievements, get credited, be praised, and make me feel accomplished. I thought I did my best, but, nope. I was wrong and it took me nowhere near where I want to be.
And so, I tried challenging my self and tried knowing my limits.
“I wonder why I never tried challenging my self before? Oh yeah, I thought it was troublesome.”
When I was young, I was active. I participated in every activity and chances I could get in order to take those medals and certificates home. I wanted to be known by people. I wanted to shine so much. And, as a kid, I was able to get them, probably because my parents were supervising me but, still, remembering them makes me feel proud of my younger self. What happened to that little girl who grabbed opportunities, did her utmost best, and happily snatched achievements with her silly face on? She left me. Or, it’s probably me shutting her out.
Thinking about it made me realize that I am actually capable to reach what I want to reach. Unfortunately, I’m choosing not to do so because of my low self esteem and laziness.
I wanted to change and I started taking the first step. Recently, I had an opportunity, although I was hesitant at first because “it was too troublesome”. But, I started working on it, making sure that it’s not some half assed work like how I used to. And, within a few hours, I completed it. An arrangement. A new version of a song. My first wholehearted work after all these years. A song which will be heard by many people, by big names, and by a very special and important figure. And, that gave me mixed feelings. Because of this, I ended up leading and, seeing how great it’s turning out to be, I must say that I’m very proud of my self! It feels so good!
“I think I should start getting back on track. Exploring to find and pick myself is almost up! …hopefully.”
This made me realize that I am not as worthless as I thought I was. I can do something too! I just needed to focus on it, enhance it, and make it happen. I got out of the “I’m worthless. I can’t do what you can. I’m not you and I can never be something amazing which you and I can be proud of.” mantra by thinking of
- all the things I’m good at.
- my achievements — either big or small. Nothing is insignificant.
- my hobbies — sports or whatever.
- what I want to be.
- it’s now or never.
You might be wondering why I thought about this. But, you know, sometimes, you end up degrading yourself without seeing that you actually achieved something. Sure, it may not be as big as winning a competition or making yourself a name, but even the little things count.
Like, maybe you got an A+ in your art class. Or maybe, you finished 500 books in a year. Maybe you wrote your own story or song. Or maybe you placed great pieces of clothes and accessories together. Or maybe you cooked numbers of great and different dishes. Or you run an amazing blog. Or maybe you’re part of the leader’s circle. Or maybe you do well in your own sport. Maybe you were able to sing the highest note in a song. Or perform a difficult dance step. Or maybe you choreograph. It can be anything even though they’re small. Because to be honest, these little things are amazing. Not everyone can do what you can do. Whatever you did, when you share them to the world or even just your friends, they will all find you wonderful.
We’re all probably too shy to let the world know about us and as the time passes, we are making our brains think that we don’t have anything because we are used to our own capabilities and talents. And thus, it turns into our shadow. It’s there but we don’t really look at it and it’s forgotten.
I don’t even know if I’m making sense right now. And, yep, you can totally see that I can’t say something meaningful about ‘shadows’. I blew it. Hah.
So, if you think you’re worthless, think again and get up. Do something productive. Do something you love! Share it. Make noise! Make your self understand that it’s not like that. You are amazing!
Anyway, I’m not really good at writing and I’m not not sure if I’m still on the topic. But, I hope this helped you or at least inspired you to make a change.
Take little steps at a time.